Of Mice and Minerals: Unexpected Lessons of a Prayer Retreat

Rock beneath me. Rock above me.

This summer, loaded down with a variety of stressors and noticing my last actual trip to anywhere was in 2019, I desperately needed a vacation. Long road trips tend to help clear my head. But where to go?

During an insomnia-driven 3 a.m. skim of social media, I noted a favorite band's upcoming Hollywood tour date, checked the calendar and realized "we could actually do that." So, despite soaring fuel prices, we hit the road 3 weeks later, trekking from St. Louis as far as Santa Monica on a brand new set of Continentals. It was a fantastic and picturesque trip that helped me shake off the last couple years to some degree. But it clearly wasn't far enough, as we hit the ocean and had to turn back around. I still needed a little something more.

 

Turns out Route 66 only goes so far. Hello, the Pacific.

Now recognizing the need for some extended alone time with the Lord, I began processing plans for a prayer retreat. A private retreat would be a new experience for me, and I was again unsure exactly how this might look, so I asked Him for direction. After several Missouri spots came up short, I suddenly recalled rumors of some beautiful destinations in Southern Illinois' Shawnee National Forest, a place I'd yet to experience. A brief search yielded cabin lodging available on my choice dates, complete with friendly farm animals and trails right on property. Bonus opps to visit recently relocated friends and a favorite eatery along the way basically sealed the deal. Just a couple days out, I booked a 2 night stay.

I really didn't go with much agenda, other than to pray and do some hiking. Following a visit with the farm animals on that first afternoon, I took a hike around the perimeter and came to my first rock formations, for which the area is known. It was here the Lord brought Psalm 61 to mind, and particularly verse 2, "Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." This became my theme. From worshiping in song inside Cave-In-Rock with its fantastic acoustics, to the breathtaking beauty of Garden of the Gods at sunset, the psalm was a perfect meditation to pray through at each stop. Long solo hikes during the days, complemented by nights filled with mesmerizing campfires and magnificent stars, kept me solidly focused on the astoundingly creative majesty of Jesus.

From inside Cave-In-Rock, opposite the view above.

Garden of the Gods at sunset. Massive rock structures in this old sea bed.

On my first night in the cabin after quiet time, I sat down to read a book our church was going through thinking this might be a chance to get caught up. After a few sweet moments of quiet, I thought I heard rustling. Seeing nothing, I returned to my reading. The sound came again, and I replaced my glasses just in time to spot it: A mouse! I caught the tiny rodent climbing its way out of a bucket of tchotchkes and fire starter kits on the far side of the room only to scamper toward the bed.

Not knowing quite how to extract said mouse from cabin, I made a quick call to alert my otherwise elusive hosts to the situation. However, before the kind man could arrive, the mouse and I had an encounter somehow ending with its tail in a glue trap, making it an easy catch. With few reasonable options, I placed the helpless creature in a kitchen pot and presented it to my host, who restated, as had his wife, that this had been their first rough season with rodent kind. Offering some additional traps and his promise to try a few preventive measures outside, we departed with apologies. No worries, said I. Mice get into everything.

Around that magic hour of 3 a.m., I half-awoke and soon noted again the sounds of scampering. Another mouse. Toward the beginning of what would be an hour-long, Tom and Jerry style pursuit of Mouse Number Two, I began to wonder what was happening. Wasn't this supposed to be a restful retreat time with the Lord where perhaps I could actually sleep through the night? Instead, I was near to becoming a quite contradictory animal-loving hardened mouse hunter.

It was at this moment the thought occurred: "There will always be a mouse."

Even during what might have been an otherwise peaceful and quiet retreat, there was something disruptive, something to deal with, something to cause incredible distraction. And here I was, quite as I often am, sleeplessly attempting to work out clever ways to resolve the problem. But a critical question was also raised: Could I still keep my focus on the Lord in the midst of it all?

The hunt finally ended with Mouse Number Two caught in the same location as my previous friend and placed in a new kitchen pot on the screened porch outside to be dealt with in the morning.

The next day, I addressed my captive and worked to assist my hosts by various means, including an attempt to block a possible mouse entry point. Even with some delay, I still made it to all desired destinations, continuing my consideration of Psalm 61 and conversing with the Lord.

That afternoon, I reentered the cabin and headed toward the kitchen, pausing as I looked into the restroom. "Oh, hello there," I calmly said to a very-shocked-to-see-me Mouse Number Three, who eventually unfroze and skittered behind the commode. This time I gave a mental shrug and went about my business.

A while later, as I sat at a table to prayer-write through Psalm 61 and journal some of my experience, Mouse Number Three finally came out of hiding and headed for the living area. As it passed I continued writing, noting at some point, "I literally just heard a squeak. Time to pray." In short order, my third little friend ended up caught in the exact same spot as the other two and was similarly collected.

While it first seemed strange that the Lord would present these tiny disruptions among the more substantive rocks, the mice became such a powerful metaphor that people I've shared the story with now keep reminding me of it as they consider their own proverbial "mice" and reactions to distraction.

Personally, this event seemed to highlight the difference between over-processing and trust. I may be able to "clever" my way through many problems, but the Lord is provider of both the intellect and the means to solution. (For those wondering, taking mercy on helpless creatures became part of the story too. Unable to fully achieve "hardened hunter" status, I soon learned the secret to extracting creatures from glue traps: Vegetable oil. And of course the virgin coconut oil was conveniently packed.)

However, despite any success or failure to clear the daily "mice" of life, the Lord also made clear He arranges each situation and I must not lose sight of Him, which can contribute to much of the overwhelm I was feeling just weeks before. There may "always be a mouse," or several, but even if some should appear to be Rodents of Unusual Size, I can always call to Jesus, that high rock and strong tower in whom I can find rest and refuge.

Whatever "mice" you might be dealing with today, I pray you too can see the God who rules over and is present in every circumstance. Certainly the One who once walked out of a rock-cut tomb has more than proven He can be trusted in any situation.

Praise the Lord for the creative ways He shows Himself through all things, whether road trips, rocks or even rodents.

From Cold War to Communion: A Psalm for Ukraine

As briefly stated in my previous post, the present situation in Ukraine has deeply affected me in unanticipated ways, and through some increasingly clearly God-ordered circumstances.

My generation, as others before, grew up with constant talk of the Soviet threat. It permeated our pop culture, from less than subtle representation in even our cartoon bad guys to overt mentions by artists like Sting, whose 1985 release has been on replay in my head for days. As children, we were convinced of a common enemy. Yet by high school, we were enthralled with news of change happening on the other side of the world surrounding the fall of the Iron Curtain. We were ready for new exchanges of ideas and culture. Ready to be friends. Ready for peace. Among other artifacts, I even had the t-shirt to prove it. "мир и дружба," it read. "Peace and friendship."

At that point, I had little to no direct connection to that part of the world. It would also be some years before I truly believed in Christ. So I could have never imagined the Lord might be using those youthful concerns and more as a precursor for things much later to come. I am the last person who then would have expected the privilege of working in ministry for now nearing 20 years. Nor could I have anticipated the last several serving alongside one Ukrainian born, getting to exchange stories of what it was like growing up in a parallel time, getting to share uniquely cultural concepts and celebrations, getting to know family and friends who once lived or still serve there. Suddenly, the дружба was real.

Now we find ourselves thrown into a new era, one filled with echoes of the old, mourning together an unprovoked war that we, along with so much of the world, understand simply should not be. What were once the general concerns of youth are now specifically personal, with names and faces attached. And while I grieve, I find myself thankful not only for this unanticipated connection in crisis, but the equally unexpected ability I never had as a kid to pray and process these events as a Christian and with other Christians, all bringing significant views to bear as we look to the Lord.

As I consider various perspectives, it seems no surprise the Book of Psalms has been a great source of focus and encouragement for many, as so much of it gives voice to such emotions as sadness, distress and anger alongside trust in the Lord, particularly in times of evil and unjust attack. A friend has shared snippets of Psalm 36 and Psalm 37 while attempting to head west away from heavy fighting. As the country began to anticipate the reality of an impending invasion, others reported a run on Bibles to the point that demand outpaced supply altogether. One man said he was sharing especially Psalm 31:21 with anyone he could, and I share this psalm in its entirety below as I too spend time with these words.

It's valuable to read any psalm from a variety of angles, including the author's and certainly our own. These might be helpful words to guide our prayers especially for Christians caught up in this war. But even more significantly, so much here anticipates Jesus' own story of unjust attack, including words He said on the cross. Even as we ask and wait for His rescue and vindication, it is in Christ's ultimate, resurrected victory against evil and death that we now find the hope in God expressed throughout. And just as the man sharing with others in Ukraine did, I hope my friends and many others find encouragement here as well.

Psalm 31 (ESV)

    In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;

        let me never be put to shame;

        in your righteousness deliver me!

    Incline your ear to me;

        rescue me speedily!

    Be a rock of refuge for me,

        a strong fortress to save me!

   

    For you are my rock and my fortress;

        and for your name’s sake you lead me and guide me;

    you take me out of the net they have hidden for me,

        for you are my refuge.

    Into your hand I commit my spirit;

        you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God.

    

    I hate those who pay regard to worthless idols,

        but I trust in the LORD.

    I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,

        because you have seen my affliction;

        you have known the distress of my soul,

    and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;

        you have set my feet in a broad place.

    

    Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;

        my eye is wasted from grief;

        my soul and my body also.

    For my life is spent with sorrow,

        and my years with sighing;

    my strength fails because of my iniquity,

        and my bones waste away.

    

    Because of all my adversaries I have become a reproach,

        especially to my neighbors,

    and an object of dread to my acquaintances;

        those who see me in the street flee from me.

    I have been forgotten like one who is dead;

        I have become like a broken vessel.

    For I hear the whispering of many—

        terror on every side!—

    as they scheme together against me,

        as they plot to take my life.

   

    But I trust in you, O LORD;

        I say, “You are my God.”

    My times are in your hand;

        rescue me from the hand of my enemies and from my persecutors!

    Make your face shine on your servant;

        save me in your steadfast love!

    O LORD, let me not be put to shame,

        for I call upon you;

    let the wicked be put to shame;

        let them go silently to Sheol.

    Let the lying lips be mute,

        which speak insolently against the righteous

        in pride and contempt.

   

    Oh, how abundant is your goodness,

        which you have stored up for those who fear you

    and worked for those who take refuge in you,

        in the sight of the children of mankind!

    In the cover of your presence you hide them

        from the plots of men;

    you store them in your shelter

        from the strife of tongues.

    

    Blessed be the LORD,

        for he has wondrously shown his steadfast love to me

        when I was in a besieged city.

    I had said in my alarm,

        “I am cut off from your sight.”

    But you heard the voice of my pleas for mercy

        when I cried to you for help.

   

    Love the LORD, all you his saints!

        The LORD preserves the faithful

        but abundantly repays the one who acts in pride.

    Be strong, and let your heart take courage,

        all you who wait for the LORD!

We wait on Him alone, friends. As evil again disrupts the peace we so long for, the cries of His people do not go unheard by the Prince of Peace, who will bring His rule and justice. Be strong, and let your hearts take courage in Jesus as together in the Lord we cry out for Ukraine.

Top art: Ukrainian Field by Olga Subach on Unsplash

#JesusChangedMyLife

Here's a quick story about how Jesus changed my life, and I pray He's changing yours as well. You can find more details on the My Story, His Doing page.

You're also invited to join Chatham Bible Church online this Easter Sunday and in the weeks ahead if you're not already connected with a church, and come by for a visit when this all blows over. Of course, our sermons are always available online if you ever want to have a listen. I hear that guy is pretty good.

Happy Easter!

The Pursuit of God to Bring Us Into the Family of God

About a year ago I helped lead worship for a conference with a “one another" theme which joined predominately black and predominantly white churches together, at which I shared the following. Looking at my calendar, at some point I realized the date of this conference, which met not a mile from where I grew up, was on or near the anniversary of the day in 1997 when my life was about to take a dramatic turn, as there in my bedroom the Lord distinctly commanded me to stop the sin I was committing. I’ve shared before how I stubbornly tried to fight Him, but He persisted until I finally accepted the love of God in Jesus.

Ironically, on Easter last year in that very same house, I was informed by my mom, who was adopted as a baby, that she had just discovered some family members, blood related siblings we never knew about before. This is still a lot to process, and plenty more has been discovered since then. But I continue to find all of this coming together to reflect the picture of God’s pursuit of His people in many ways.

It does at times distress me to recall how I initially rejected the Lord’s love as I did, but I realize the story of God as Pursuer is true for everyone who comes to believe in Jesus. Perhaps (and hopefully) you aren’t as stubborn as me, but if you know Him this is your story too. He pursued each of us to His own shame and death, taking our sins on the cross with a love that will not let us go. (Romans 8:38-39)

At the same time, when He calls us into the Kingdom He also calls us into a broad and vast family, much like we saw at that conference and others like it. (1 Peter 2:9-10) We suddenly realize we have brothers and sisters, mom and dads, grandparents and cousins we never knew we had, and from more and varied backgrounds then we can possibly fathom.

We can also love because He first loved and pursued us. (1 John 4:7-21) We can be imagers of God in our pursuit of others to call them into that same Kingdom and family.

I don’t know what your experience of pursuit is, but I find it can often lend to rejection. It’s hard. And it makes me even more grateful for the Lord’s persistence in my own stubbornness even to this day.

But I’ve also had the honor and privilege to pursue others who did allow me to pursue them, and to witness miracles, including marriages unmistakably restored by the Lord. The same week of that conference I held a baby who serves as a continual reminder of such a miracle for which I cannot stop thanking Him.

As I shared at that conference, the Lord will pursue His people through His people to bring them into His Kingdom family. Anyone He wants to save and any situation He wants to restore will, indeed, be saved and restored.

Thank you, Lord, for your relentless love and persistence in bringing us home.

...Eternal Stuff Really Does Matter - A Response to a Local Tragedy

In the wake of another local shooting in the last week—an event I missed in person solely by God's grace—I recently shared the following on social media. This was another clear reminder to me that the Lord has kept me here to keep telling you about who He is. And as we get ready for Pray for the Lou in the City of St. Louis on 3.14, it's yet another reminder of how desperately our entire region needs Jesus.

So, somewhat off the cuff, this is what I wrote...

Regarding the Community Center shooting: We just joined there for 1 month (winter swims!) and have a few days left. Both considered going last night, really should have, but didn’t tell each other until after the news hit. Now realizing we’ve encountered one or both of the individuals involved. One now injured. One dead.

Folks, alongside my general silliness, I talk about Jesus and prayer and such on here more than a little. Lots of reasons for that, but one is eternal stuff matters. What happens both today and after we die is a big deal. We find events like this shocking, especially when they feel “close to home,” and we absolutely should. But maybe we’re not shocked enough to really respond. The every day truth is we literally do not know what the next moment will bring.

So while disaster fatigue and fleeting comforts try to lull us to sleep, I’m praying for an awakening. I pray it for our region. I pray it for you.

Instead of letting this or the next disaster dull us, I pray they sharpen the eternal significance of every moment. I pray we begin to hear God’s voice over all others. That we can taste and see the Lord really is good in spite of the world’s mess. That we can see Jesus, who already faced down and defeated death. That every sense is affected by the truth of who Jesus is so we can love God and each other right and well.

"Awake, O sleeper, and arise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14

More than anything else, I want this for you.

Don’t sleep through all this. I’m thankful I’m still here to tell you eternal stuff really does matter.

Art: Pixabay

Relentlesly Pursued by "The Hound of Heaven"

I have been overwhelmed lately as I consider God's unrelenting pursuit in my life, and unable to get the concepts of this classic poem, "The Hound of Heaven," out of my head. While my story isn't identical to the opium addicted author's, when the Lord called me to Himself He commanded me to stop pursuing the sin in which I was so entangled. But in part it was a place of comfort, coping, identity and far more He was asking me to give up. So even though I heard His voice distinctly, I didn't want the disruption and tried to fight Him. God, forgive me, I said "no."

Little did I know the Lord always wins the wrestling match.

As I think on this now, new realizations come to mind. How much must Jesus love me to keep pursuing in spite of this in-His-face denial? It literally turns my stomach now to confess I did not want His love. The notion of "love" never even occurred to me. I simply wanted to go on ignoring Him and live my own life my own way. And yet "no" was not an option here. Jesus will have all the Father has given Him. (John 6:37-40; 17:1-26) He had, in fact, already died even for this betrayal. And though I fled Him, He pursued, and pursues me to this day with a love that will not let me go.

O my God, thank you for never giving up, never letting go.

This 182 line poem is both lengthy and written in older English, so I share the full text below, but also an intriguing modern adaptation here that may help your understanding.



Additionally, here's a version with the text read along in case you're more the auditory type.



Keep scrolling and you'll also find the preview for a documentary with a bit more of Thompson's story just after the poem below.
_______________________________________

 The Hound of Heaven
by Francis Thompson (1890)

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.

Up vistaed hopes I sped;

And shot, precipitated,

Adown Titanic glooms of chasmèd fears,

From those strong Feet that followed, followed after.

But with unhurrying chase,

And unperturbèd pace,

Deliberate speed, majestic instancy,

They beat—and a Voice beat

More instant than the Feet—

‘All things betray thee, who betrayest Me.’

Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go // Easter 2017

“My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.”
-Jesus, quoted in John 10:27-30

___________________

Remembering is so important. Throughout the Bible, God constantly calls His people to remember. Remember His promises. Remember His faithfulness. Remember what He has done.

I was recently surprised to realize it’s actually been 20 years since God unmistakably called me to Himself. Ten years ago I shared that story in an Easter letter, which launched my holiday writing tradition and eventually led to the creation of this site. On this anniversary I wanted to share the story again, now slightly refreshed with a deeper understanding.

I spent days pondering these memories, through which the Lord deeply encouraged me. It’s a story that says nothing good of me, but so much about the faithfulness of God. It struck me to consider the reality that in all this time, despite my stumblings and struggles, He has never let me go.

As the Church remembers Jesus’ death and resurrection this Holy Week, I humbly submit to you the story of how God brought me from death to life in Him. Please read here: “my story, His doing.”

God’s blessings to you this Easter. †

Scripture: ESV, Art: creationswap.com

"Jesus & the Journey to Joy" by John Piper

I want to share this series with you because I remember when I didn't get it, and I can't forget the moment when I finally did. More to the point, I sincerely hope the Lord helps you understand this too.

I shared some of the details of when this all clicked for me in a post several years back. I experienced a lengthy bout of depression which developed as many of my closest companions moved away and I felt deeply alone. It was a series of events that set even a normally steady extrovert like myself into a tailspin.

After months of this, while barely going through the motions spiritually, my church featured a series by John Piper called "The Blazing Center." I remember thinking, "Piper's alright. I guess I'll go," and dragged myself in on Sunday morning. I dutifully sat through the first session and thought, "Well, I guess I'll come back next week." Thankfully, my a-ha moment began that next week when Piper lets us ponder, and then answers, a question just after 15:10 of session two.

The question: "What will satisfy your soul most deeply? If God refuses to give you that, he doesn't love you..." I was really listening, thinking hard through all I perceived was or could be taken from me. But it wasn't rhetorical. After a few seconds, Piper states, "Answer: Himself."

Suddenly I realized why I, and several of my friends, were so down. We were all looking in the wrong place, looking to the wrong things for satisfaction and security and identity and, ultimately, joy. And as Piper continued to paint this picture of how the greatest thing in the universe is God Himself, and the best thing God can give us is Himself through Jesus, everything Piper ever wrote finally made sense. Lewis and Edwards and Augustine and others made sense. Jesus is the place to find all those things. And from there, from Him, all the rest of life flows.

I still take people through "The Blazing Center," which was actually filmed at a youth retreat, and you should certainly take the extra time to watch if you wish. It takes a few different turns than the series below. Yet I appreciate that this more recent series highlights some of those main points (as do all of Piper's works) yet can be viewed in about an hour. 

I hope you'll spend time with these, perhaps watch with friends, and I pray you'll understand the true root of eternal joy found only in Jesus which will last as He carries us even through any suffering or sorrow we experience now. 

"Jesus & the Journey to Joy" - A Six-Part Study With John Piper

How Do You Define Joy?
 

What Is Christian Hedonism?   

What Is the Secret of Joy in Suffering?  

Do We Have to Enjoy God to Believe?  

How Does Joy Overflow in Love?  

Does Joy Die in Sorrow?

the way of escape

"...let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry." -1 Corinthians 10:12-14

A few Saturdays ago I was lurking on Twitter and noticed a post by Mark Driscoll that said, "Paul says God always provides a way of escape from temptation. Preaching on it tomorrow. Got any real life examples I might share of how God opened a door of escape from serious temptation?"

I was sure I had, but couldn't think of anything at that moment, so I went about my day not really thinking about it.

That night (on my way to a church service, no less) I stopped by our massive library HQ in search of a movie hubby hadn't yet seen. Finding it wasn't there, I headed over to the new releases hoping to make the trip productive.

There I saw the box for a film I intentionally avoided this summer due to a high likelihood of, let's just say, inappropriate thought. But because I'm so familiar with the storyline and waited years for the release, I really want to see it and have struggled with and prayed about this since even before it hit theaters. Without completely thinking it through I picked it up, reasoning that I just wanted to see how they developed a particular character, grabbed another film I'd already seen (also ironic in title, but I'll spare you) and went to check out.

When I got to the counter I was told two things:
1) My library card expired last month, which I thought was weird as I haven't had the new card very long.
2) I also had a fine for $1.05, of which I was completely unaware.

Easy enough problems to address... if you can actually pay. Unfortunately (no, very fortunately) I hadn't carried any cash on me for a week or more, and I never carry checks. I literally had a quarter that I was planning to put into a coin collection. So I couldn't renew or borrow anything at all.

Then I asked what the fine was all about. I'd turned in a book late.

The book?

"Jesus Among Other Gods."

I briefly reeled inside at the mention of my Lord's name as the clerk began to read. It was a book I had trouble accessing and then didn't get to finish several months ago. By now I'd all but forgotten about that and didn't realize it was turned in late. (Ha, and apparently was due on my birthday last year.) I just acknowledged to the clerk that I'd have to deal with all this later and headed out with no movies. Laughing. I couldn't have scripted this.

I laughed in the car on my way up the road. I laughed as I shared this story later with friends who were aware of the situation from summer.

But in the next few days I really started thinking about what God did there. He closed doors. He provided the way of escape. He protected me from what I imagine would have required some serious repentance, and quite possibly long term problems as it may have either encouraged old, inappropriate thought patterns or created new ones. (Never think your thoughts don't matter ... Matthew 5:21-28; 15:10-20.) I don't even want to think of potential consequences from that. And He answered prayer, as I have asked His help and guidance in protecting me from such things before, since it's only by Christ's power I can and will "flee from idolatry" (anything that takes focus off God, thus becoming more important than Him).

I've said it before, I truly love the Lord's sense of humor. But eventually I stopped laughing, got on my knees, repented for my lack of judgment and thanked my Deliverer for His love and mercy in stopping me.

My life doesn't hinge on whether or not I spend 2 hours in fantasy land watching new people enact old tales I already know. My life is all about God's glory. He wasn't going to be glorified through me watching that film that day. But by sharing this story of His protection and love, I sincerely pray He is.

I'd say that brief trip to the library was more than a little productive.

Thank you, Lord.


February 1 Follow Up:
Just paid my fine and renewed my card for 2 years. Before I went, I promised I wouldn't even pick the film up. So I went over to check out the new releases. Would you believe that particular movie was nowhere to be found anyway?

I love how this story just keeps on going, and the Lord shows His goodness and glory in His protection at every turn.

"thanks" will never be enough

We recently had our annual Thanksgiving Celebration at our church. It's a fun time to gather with the church family for food (lots of) and then settle down in the Worship Center to thank God for His unending generosity.

This year I was asked to give a testimony of just what I'm thankful for from the past year and perform a song to go along with. Not sure how much of this will end up in this year's Christmas letter, but here's what came out...

__________________________________

When I was asked to give a testimony of what I’m thankful the Lord is doing in my life, I knew I needed to do this but wouldn’t possibly have enough time to provide the full picture.

The past few months have been an incredible time of spiritual growth for me as I’ve never experienced. But interestingly, and certainly not accidentally, I just went through over a year of one of the longest valleys I ever walked. This was an extremely rough time on me emotionally for many reasons.

I’m not sure anyone knew that I woke up every day for months with a dull ache. I’d pray about it, but it wouldn’t go away. Last May that oppressive feeling mysteriously vanished just as I was called into a series of intense spiritual battles. But even without that horrible feeling, once the intensity died I found the unsettled emotions remained, and I was still handling things poorly.

All this piqued in July, and I knew then I was just going through the motions spiritually. I was purely frustrated with circumstance, but just kept pushing on, knowing my attitude wasn’t right and wondering how things might change.

In August, the change began, and God allowed some of (my church family) to play a part. I was in the Sunday school class viewing John Piper’s “Blazing Center” DVD, and by the second session he struck a chord. I began to see that my joy was gone because I was looking in the wrong direction. We cannot find true joy or lasting happiness anywhere but in the Lord alone.

Once I acknowledged this, and acknowledge Him, God began to work in me in all kinds of ways.

My worship, encouraged in part by being in praise band and visiting some other worship services, is developing into a genuine “anytime, any style, anywhere” with anything scriptural.

My prayer life is changing dramatically, further encouraged by (our) “God-Centered Praying” class and recent “Fresh Encounters” weekend.

My study time has seriously increased. I’m spending a lot of time in Psalms and currently being impacted by Francis Chan’s book “Crazy Love,” which discusses all the Creator of the universe, who actually died for sin, has done to show us His amazing love and how we should be so humbled and excited and awestruck that we can’t help but unconditionally love Him back.

My excitement to follow God’s lead has me going all kinds of directions. I even found myself in Chicago with the youth last weekend learning about creative ways to glorify Him by helping others.

As I said, I don’t have time to paint the entire picture of what’s taking place. This has barely scratched the surface. My circumstances didn’t change, but my focus did. I’m excited, and I am incredibly thankful to the Lord Jesus Christ for bringing me back to life.

This brand new song called “Heartbeat” by the band Remedy Drive tells a similar story.


Heartbeat - Remedy Drive

This is a draught
Living without
The one thing that I require
What a mess
Passionless
Somewhere I lost the fire
Oh my my
Where has it gone
Can anybody turn this beat back on?
My heart is fast asleep
Dreaming it could bleed
For something that's real
My desperate appeal
God, I'm getting tired of the way I feel
When I would rather be alive

I want to wake up
I want to restart
Put the drumbeat back in my heart
I need to be revived
Bring me back to life

Coming on slow
Head to toe
The pulse is back again
Grace in my veins
Replacing the pain
Bringing me back from the dead
Oh my my
Now I can see
You heard me cry emergency
Screaming out for help
You saved me from myself
The fire's returned
I'm letting it burn
There's nothing better in the whole wide world
It feels so good to be alive

I want to wake up
I want to restart
Put the drumbeat back in my heart
I need to be revived

I want to wake up
I want to restart
Put the drumbeat back in my heart / It feels so good to be alive
It feels so good
Bring me back to life


Related (back story):
• long distance runaround
• the summer of our discontent

suddenly, a stranger

"My mother told me never to do this." -Jim Holsey, "The Hitcher"

A recent film release has reminded me of the changes the Lord has brought about in my life in the past 10 years, and made me ponder a few "what if" questions for myself...

The horror remake of "The Hitcher," based on the 1986 film release, has recently hit theatres. As you might imagine, the new version is considerably gorier than it’s predecessor. I don’t plan to see it, but I read some reviews out of curiosity. You see, I loved the original version of this film. It played frequently as a television edit for many years, and I once had a copy on VHS.

Shortly after becoming a Christian, I rediscovered the tape and thought, “Oh yeah, I really like this film.” So I watched it. To my absolute shock and surprise, I was utterly disgusted by the entire thing. I felt like I was watching a completely different movie. But, in reality, I was a completely different person.

This, for me, is an amazing personal example of God's power to change. Nobody told me to hate a movie I once loved. Nobody was standing over my shoulder with any threats or religious rhetoric. Things were just suddenly different in a way I could not explain—and many who knew me couldn't understand.

Romans 12:2 reads, "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

That renewing comes from Him. Those changes come by the Holy Spirit, not by us. I’d still be the same as I was, and probably much worse, if He hadn’t stopped me.

I shudder to think what I would be like now if I didn’t truly know God. I am incredibly thankful to the Lord for all He’s protected me from over the years, even during the times when I, like Jim Holsey, chose to play the fool and ignore the warnings of others.

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction." -Proverbs 1:7

the small, still whisper

"Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world." -1 John 4:1

It's very clear to me that my particular salvation story might confuse some, which is why I tried to make it clear that this sort of thing doesn't happen this way on a daily basis for most people. (Read it if you've not. You'll see what I mean.) I've heard plenty of stories, especially from countries in which the Gospel is barely preached, of people who heard a voice or had a vision and came to know the Lord Jesus. But it's not something everyone experiences. And, consequently, it's not something everyone believes can even happen these days.

I know that people say they "hear voices" from time to time—and frequently that's not looked upon as a good thing. Certainly many are imagined. Some are just made up. Sometimes individuals use this as a basis to do something evil. Trust me, I've thought over all of this quite a lot, and had to come to some conclusions of my own.

I think the main question here is how do I know what I experienced was of God and not imagined? To that I will say two things.

First of all, the thoughts I was thinking at the time, and the life I was leading at the time, did not lend themselves to any particular moral change. I was quite enjoying my sin, thank you. As I recall, I was actually making some pathetic motion to thank God for the sin I was enjoying. And what a horrific and evil thing. A sinful and unrepentant creature attempting to thank a Holy and sinless God for allowing me to wallow in my own sin—the very sin for which He died in agony? Why He didn't strike me down right there, or on a few thousand other occasions, only the God of Grace can answer. So I had no real interest in changing anything. Why would I? I didn't really know Him at the time, but the world I knew.

Second, there was nothing said in those brief seconds that was contrary to God's word in the Bible. What was this really but a call to repentance? There was an incredible, gulfing rift between us because of my sin, and He introduced me to really seeing it in no uncertain terms. "Clean yourself up..." So the call was to repent and follow Him. Period. There was no debating. Oh, and how I tried. I actually started trying to think up the same lame excuses and justifications I used on myself and everyone else—even twisting the Bible to my own purposes. Obviously He'd have none of it. "You know what to do" was the answer to that nonsense. And so, by His enabling, I did.

Now, that said, I don't expect anyone to expect this to happen to them. As a matter of fact, I'd say you really don't want this type of experience. It wasn't exciting. It was scary. Deadly scary in an eternal way. I was faced with more than my own immorality and mortality—I was faced with the reality of a Holy God who has every right to leave me in my sin to experience an eternity in hell and out of His presence.

There are so many ways to be introduced to the living God. Truly, this was not my introduction, just my wake up call. I was introduced to tidbits of truth in many ways here and there, but He didn't prepare my heart to understand until after this time. To paraphrase one church leader, Christianity isn't just something you come up with while meditating under a tree. It's based on historical recorded fact, and while God does the calling, He asks His servants to deliver the message. So I wasn't just sitting in my room and suddenly realized, "Oh! JESUS is my Savior! Got it!" No, the basic information of that reality was shared with me surrounding this event.

In the book "Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ," John Piper says, "...I do not ask you too pray for a special whisper from God to decide if Jesus is real. Rather I ask you to look at the Jesus of the Bible. Look at Him. Don't close your eyes and hope for a word of confirmation. Keep your eyes open and fill them with the full portrait of Jesus provided in the Bible. If you come to trust Jesus Christ as Lord and God, it will be because you see in Him a divine glory and excellence that simply is what it is—true."

It wasn't a "whisper" that has made my Lord real to me. No, it has been all I have learned of Him in the Bible and all He has taught me in life. It has been times of prayer in which I simply and fully rely on Him. And it has only been as He has revealed Himself to me. Those words were simply a call to the beginning of a life lived for Him.

Christianity, really knowing the Lord Jesus Christ, cannot be found in some esoteric experience of one kind or another. We grow as we learn about Him and rely on Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to us more fully. It is apparent that I will have all of eternity to continue learning about Him and serving Him, never fully comprehending the grace that has been given to me.

A recent prayer of mine is that He continue to amaze me. In this He will never fail, and I will never miss it as long as my focus remains consistently upon Him. I hope you too will see Jesus for who He really is and as He really is in whatever way He chooses to reveal Himself to you.

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand." -Jesus, John 10:27-28


Addendum, February 28, 2010:
I literally just came across a quote by C.S. Lewis I never read before tonight. I want to see it in context, but I have it cited as from "Cross-Examination," God in the Dock, 261. In speaking of his conversion, Lewis says, "I was the object, rather than the subject of this affair. I was decided upon. I was glad afterwards at the way it came out, but at the moment what I heard was God saying, 'Put down your gun and we'll talk.'"

I was really struck by this in ways I can't yet express. I have been known to agree with the assessment I've heard attributed to Lewis in the feeling that I, too, was "dragged into the Kingdom kicking and screaming," but I had no idea of this.

While we find the truth of anything only as it aligns with Scripture, it is most certainly intriguing to hear what God does in the lives of others, especially as we see their stories parallel to ours. I thought you might also be intrigued about this particular similarity as I was.

Praise God for His persistent pursuit of His own.

divinely appointed: getting the job

This is just a fun story, so I'd like to share how the Lord directed me to my current occupation. No question I'm where I'm supposed to be. None...

I'd worked in some print shops and other jobs over the years, and in '02 was at a shop where I'd quickly grown uncomfortable. I was tired of working simply to make others rich. I wanted to work where I could feel I was making a difference and more effectively serve God. I was really praying as to whether I should look elsewhere, but wasn't sure where to go.

One Saturday while I was very busy attending an avian convention (that's a "birdy con" for those playing along at home), I was told to return a phone call from the pastor of the church we'd recently begun attending. I tried during a break but couldn't get in touch with him. So that night around 9:15, as I was thinking it was too late to call and wondering what I possibly could have done to get in trouble already (kidding), the phone rang again.

T'was indeed the pastor calling back. He said there was an immediate opening at the church for admin. Was I interested? I practically had to pick myself up off the floor before responding, "Well, actually, I've been praying about this a lot lately."

I learned that no one else on his list of suspects could take the position. Because we were so new to the congregation, I was the last person on that list based on a single conversation at a church picnic in which I must have mentioned, ever so briefly, what I was doing at the time.

I interviewed a few days later and basically had the job. I was even able to train with the person I was replacing during my two weeks notice before she took a job elsewhere.

But all that's not even the kicker. I soon found I'd basically been training my whole life for this gig. Almost every skill I ever learned I use here—phone and people skills, writing and editing, layout, organization, promotions... The job I'd only held for 6 months prior even trained me, an avid Mac fan, in daily use of a PC. Much of what I did on a volunteer basis at our last church I was now getting paid to do.

Even volunteer ministries hearken back to days past, such as when we do door-to-door invitations—my very first company job was door-to-door promo. I used to substitute teach, primarily in high school and junior high, and I now work with the youth group. Ever since I was young, I've had involvement with song and stage, and have been able to do both here. I could go on.

Other benefits? I have more friends than I've ever had in my life—some even my very best. I work with some really great guys on staff, not to mention the elders, deacons and everybody else who puts in time. Again, could go on. And on.

So, is it perfect? Of course not. Every job everywhere has it's ups and downs. We're still in a sinful world, and stuff still happens. But here I am, in this environment which I suppose I was designed for, and I get to serve my God in ways I never imagined.

I sometimes have to sit down and remind myself how I got here. And that's why I wrote this thing. After all, I started out in college studying to go into broadcasting and ended up a journalism major with an emphasis in advertising. But here I am, in an incredible position with access to countless ways to glorify my Lord.

Stuff like this doesn't just happen by accident. Praise the Lord for Divine appointments. :)

"And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." -Colossians 3:17

argh

"Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath" -Coldplay (Amsterdam)

If anybody ever says that being a Christian is always all roses and daffodils, well, LOL. I had a pathetic day as I wrote this, right in the midst of being one. It's just been not fun.

I was listening to the lyrics above on my way home from work. Yeah, I was feeling that. I was really hiding some serious upset, but "screaming underneath."

It was so awesome, though, when I got to this lyric...

"Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose"

One thing I didn't really write in my story is that during part of the time before I became a Christian, I literally felt like I was dying. I was so depressed. I felt like the life was draining out of me. But when the Lord called me, it was like a new infusion of life. I s'pose that's just a small part of being "born again."

Like I said, it's not like you can't have a lousy day. But just thinking of this got me a little teary—and I'm not much of a crier. I have a lot to be thankful for, just being alive for one.

This just brought to mind a picture of what God did for me. It doesn't change events, but suddenly the day's not nearly as bad as it coulda been.

"...we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received the reconciliation." -Romans 5:11